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Wednesday, May 19th, 2004
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My life has been very dramatic the past few weeks. I guess we could say the past month.
It all started with the first day of may. Ness and I got together. We hung out and all that fun stuff. Everything went great, until we both had to leave. I don't know how to say this, but some part of me was his angel again. Something inside of me wanted him so bad, and loved and cared for him so much. I just wish I could of stopped it. So two weeks went on that were great, but again God started to tug and tug at my heart. So after being back together for about a month, I called him up and said it wasn't working. He assumed it was because of Will (best friend Will), but it wasn't all. Whenever I'm in a relationship with Ness I'm not as close as I should be with God. Plus I was thinking about the future, and the point of dating is to see who you're going to marry. Our marriage is doomed to fail if we get together the way we are now. In our faith we are on two different pages, and your faith is your foundation, so if you put his and my foundation together it would crooked, it would be split level. You can't build anything solid on a crooked foundation, let alone a marriage. So we broke up. I was depressed about it... and so was he, so we've been talking agian, but this time about Jesus. I researched his views on somethings, and he researched mine. We'll see what happens, but I'm not going to fall again. I can't. Jesus brought me too far to keep playing him like this. Ness has to step up to my level or we can't even be friends.
I was in the hospital recently with a stomach bacteria infection, I was there for 3 days and now I feel a whole bunch better, it just knocked me down. I fell behind on a lot of things, and right now I'm just trying so hard to catch up.
I'm starting school on May 24, i'm taking 6 credit hours over the summer and a community college. Afterward, I'll be transferring to a college in Virginia that I have my heart set on. It's going to be a difficult transision, but I know I can do it.
Did I mention I love me some Jesus :D
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Thursday, April 8th, 2004
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Last night I did something I thought would take me years to do. I called Ness for the last time. I called and told him that I loved him and that he was right, friends wasn't a good idea. I told him that we just need to part our separate ways. I read him a poem that I wrote about him. Then I said goodbye. Now this was all on his voicemail, but I did what I had to do. He hasn't been answering my phone calls lately, so I just did it. If he really was my love, then something will happen. I'm not waiting for him to change any longer. My heart still wants him, but circumstances prevent that. This is the end of that time of my life.
I'm going to the hospital to see Trustee Cooper. He's having surgery on his eye. I need to be there to show support. I love Trustee. He's a mighty man of God. I just pray that God watches over him today and for the rest of his life. I miss him at church. I need to show him that I care.
I also have a meeting set up with bishop today. I have lots that I need to say. This time last year was one of the worst experiences of my life. And as this time approaches, I am afraid. I don't want to feel the feelings I did last year. I need to be strong. Why does my family scare me so much? I know why. It's because their words are words that can wound me so deep, and leave horrendous scars. I don't want to bleed. This is the reason I'm going to talk to bishop. He comforts me. He truly is the dad I've never had. He sees all of my scars and still embraces me with love. I thank Jesus for him every chance I get.
I'm starting to climb back to where I was with Jesus before. It's a difficult climb, but so worth it. Each day I thank God that He's taken me back under His mighty arms of protection. I LOVE YOU JESUS!!!
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Wow. Tell me about it. It's been ages since I've expressed my feelings in this little journal. Also a lot has gone on. It's been a little over 6 months. Lots has changed. A brief overview: I'm not with Finesse Marcus Jay any longer, I've made a mistake yet God forgave me, I'm going to New York this Summer, I work at Toys "R" Us, I have extensive car issues, I'm completely in love with Jesus. Okay well that's the brief overview. I guess now it's time to break it down step by step.
Finesse Marcus Jay aka Ness, He's not the man He's appeared to be. He's a man who wants and has many girls and I'm only one more to add to his list. I was his prey. I fell victim to his lies and sweet talks. I fell in love with a man who never really loved me. I fell head over heals with someone who only takes his feelings into consideration and walks right over the feelings I laid out before him. I fell deep into a pit of dispair. I should of known when it began that it couldn't last. God wasn't in it. God didn't govern this relationship so it was doomed fail. Ness needs to be baptized in Jesus Name and filled with the Holy Ghost. If he is filled with the Holy Ghost then he needs to let Him lead his life. I made the mistake of listening to my flesh instead of Jesus when this began. We lasted for a while, we were together until a few days after Valentines Day (that would be about 6 months). I'm not going to lie. I think about him a lot. I even tried the "friend" thing only to find out that doesn't work. I'm just praying for him, and hope that one day he turns around. In the mean time I am just moving on.
I made a mistake with a boy. I gave a boy that I just met head. I was walking in flesh, depresed about Ness, and completely consumed by this boys words. It was only a one time thing, but because of that one time thing I had to deal with many consequences. I had to go get tested for stds (all negative), I had to have a talk with bishop that I never wanted to have in my life (i tell bishop everything), and I have to deal with the shame of what I've done. Jesus and I have had long conversations about this, and all I can see is I'm so thankful that Jesus still is faithful and talks to me. I've learned from this mistake and I know that I need to continue to walk in Spirit and this will never happen again.
I am going New York July 18 - July 24. I'm so excited. I'm going to compete in acting and talent competitions and attend TONS of workshops. I'm sure this experience is going to be amazing. I missed doing the performing arts. This is going to be a wonderful time for me.
I've been working at Toys "R" Us since October last year. It's a nice job, I like it a lot. It doesn't pay enough, but I'm learning to deal with that because they always give me church days off. They also give me any days I need off to prepare for church days. Now tell me how many jobs you can find like that?
Lets just say I sold my old car and never got any money for it, and the car I just bought got broken into, and I have to drive my mom's car which everyone else drives too. We're just gonna pray about this situation and I KNOW God will make a way :)
I'm still lovin Jesus. Despite what I've been through and am going through. Jesus is and always will be my main lifeline. I love Him so much words could never express. I just pray that I can lead the life He needs me to lead.
Whew. I'm done. Wow. I know I missed a lot, but I'm not in the mood to write anymore :P
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Thursday, September 18th, 2003
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for a second. the devil got me off track with God. and he did it in a very deceptive way. i still do my daily devotions. I never stopped that. i still pray. i still make sure i fast the days i fast, but for a moment, God wasn't my number one focus. i never stopped spending the time with God that I always did, but it's almost like i stopped wanting to grow. i still am with ness, because it's not his fault that i thought him sometimes more than I thought of Jesus. and that's what the devil wants, he wants us to fill our mind with other things. i finally realized his plan. i'm stopping him. i'm standing strong in my faith, even if that means not talking to ness everyday. okay. that will be fine with me. I need more time with God. no matter what God is NUMBER ONE in my life, I can't make it look any other way. Jesus has such a calling on my life and I can't just turn away from it, because I found a boy that is really great. I can have both, but God HAS to be number one. to so many people this probably sounds so silly, but to me it's just realization of what is the most important thing in my life. That's Jesus, it's fufilling the purpose He has for me on Earth.
Things are going beautiful in my life. looking at the positive side is great. Ness' phone broke for a while, so for a minute there we could only talk in email, and even during that time... most girls would be going crazy. not me. i just thought of it as God telling me that He wants MORE of me. God can get your attention in many ways. you just have to listen. i'm just really happy. kelly and sue are both visiting my church with me more which is so awesome. God is just really moving in my family.
I'm still way unsure about college, but in due time it will come. I'm praying about it so I know that God is making a way. I KNOW he is. He's AWESOME truly AWESOME. beautiful. magnificent. glorious. graceful. merciful. amazing. wow. i can just go on and on. I love HIM more than words can say!!
If anyone was wondering I did take my sister to see dashboard. it was cool. i'm not a huge fan just because they're so depressing. like when i walked into the concert, i felt the spirit of depression all over. all around me, I felt it. it was weird, because it was there so strong. and the music just fed these people's depression. i've been really praying a lot for my sister sue, because dashboard is her favorite band, and it must be because she feels what they sing about. and that scares me. that's a spirit that just clings to a person. NO MATTER WHAT THE SONG SAYS YOU DO NOT GO UNOTTICED. JESUS LOVES YOU!!!
On a lighter note, I got braces. and all i have to say is EWWW. lol. i don't think my mouth is big enough to hold all this metal. I just hope it's gonna be a quick job, cause these things are KILLING ME. i look in the mirror. and WOW. lol. okay it's not THAT bad. I just don't like them :P
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Friday, August 29th, 2003
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shellmarie
is worn out. |
| Sleep when you're dead! Whether it's emotionally or physically, you're exhausted. Have you considered sleeping pills? I took them when I had mono, and they made everything better. |
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Thursday, August 21st, 2003
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lots of things have happened. it's kinda crazy. i'm not going to college this semester anymore. my mom sent in the wrong form for the financial aid board. and they waited until the last minute that i had to turn in some more paper work. so i went up there, and they said that they're gonna cancel my classes if i don't turn in $800 the day i went up there.. so i was just like "screw it" .. and i'm just gonna not go to school this semester. and then next semester i'm gonna go to another college. i'm not exactly sure yet, but i'm thinkin somewhere in either virginia, or indiana, because i have family in both places. personally i'd prefer virginia because i wanna be closer to ness. he's pretty darn great!!
speaking of ness. words can't even talk about him. i love that boy. he makes me feel so incredibly happy without even trying. i was having a lot of problems at home and everything he said just soothed my nerves. i was just so happy! wow. haha. he's grrrrreat. (ya know just like tony the tiger great.) we talk every day, through text messages .. then after nine on the phone (i love verizon.. haha. free long distance, and free minutes after nine.) i'm hopefully going to virginia sept 29, so i can spend time with him. we'll see what happens. this week, i'm gonna try to see what i can do... like what i can set up and stuff. <33 i'm such a goober.. but seriously. he's awesome.
i have lots more to write, but my back kinda hurts, and i gotta go get ready for prayer at church!!
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Monday, August 11th, 2003
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brother joe is gonna have me lead a song in the adult choir :x oh no... lol.. i mean i love to sing, and for JESUS i'll sing, but we're having a concert this fall and he wants me to lead this song for the concert. okay. now's the time i gotta start shaking out these nerves. so now i gotta practice real hard for 3 things: my lead in the youth choir, directing a song in the youth choir, and my lead in the adult choir. if you ask anyone that knows me... it's hard for me to sing in front of people all the time. like when i sang the blood song last year.. i got soo nervous... the only thing that got me through was that it was for Jesus. i can sing for Jesus, if i can minister through my music, that's what i'll do.
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Sunday, August 10th, 2003
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waaahhhhhh!!!!!! wow. i needed to scream. i've been crying for the last 20 minutes. I just took my mom to jill's house so i could keep the car tomorrow. i don't know what her problem was, but she was like "michelle you're so f*cking fat" ... i didn't say a word.. i just sat there and started to cry... and she was just like "i mean damn michelle... when i was your age i didn't wear no size 10".... i didn't say a word to her. i just sat there and listened, what else could i do? and i mean of course when she was my age she didn't wear no size 10... she had no boobs, no butt.. and she was a freaking twig ... sorry i'm not a size 3... with my hips i could never be a size three... just cause i got some meat to my bones... does that mean i'm fat? wow. wow. what do i do? oh well. i guess there's not much that i can do.. cept cry~!
note: i don't cuss... i was just quoting my mother, who does
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things have been a little different. first off, things with me and block are completely over. i was still talkin to him for a while, but now it's just nothing. i think that's the best for both of us. we were on two different levels in everything. age, sex, spirtually... everything. i'm not saying one is better than the other, just right now we're not meant to be together at all.
the night that me and block decided that we wasn't gonna talk at all no more, i got bored and started surfin online, and thought.. well i'll just go in some chat rooms. so i started talkin to this dude ness. well we talked a couple hours online, and (i think this was sunday.. it might of been saturday... i don't know?..lol) then he's like "you should call me." ... and i'm all like "i should huh?" and he's like .. "or i can call you?" so he gave me his number, i gave him mine.. and that was that. i honestly didn't think he'd call me. if you want me to keep it real. i mean he's a big sexy beast, and i'm a short little girl. then the next day, I got a phone call from him. we've talked at least an hour everyday since then. an an hour is at the very least. at first it was really easy to talk to him. i loved getting a phone call from him. i mean i still do, but honestly in a way i think our whole situation is kinda different. lemme break it down.
>> we talk about religion alot. he knows a lot about the Bible, but he thinks that women can't be called to the ministry. i know that i've been called to be an evangelist. with the title or not, I know that's the work God's called me to do. i mean everyday in my devotions and my alone time with Jesus... God is constantly opening my eyes more and more to His word.. and what he wants me to do. i'm learning and be molded everyday for God. also he thinks that my faith is a lie. he thinks that i'm wrong for what i do. all i wanna do is follow the Bible, and i'm doing my best. and lastly, he doesn't believe in speaking in tongues. that's such a BIG part of who i am. that's part of my communication with God, it's my evidence. for him to say that i'm confused... that just let me know, that i don't know how long i'm gonna be able to talk to him, before we reach the point where we have to decide who's wrong and who's right.
>> he lives in virginia, and he's already said that he'll give me the money it'll cost to come see him. i mean i'd love to get away for a week, and i think it'd be nice to meet him. i just know already our intentions would be different. i'd wanna spend time getting to know him, what it's like to spend time with him. i think he'd wanna spend more time making me "feel pleasure." plus i still live at home, and that means i live by the rules set up by this house, so going to see him isn't an option right now.
>> we talk // do things that i normally wouldn't talk about... let me just put it this way.. he's been sexually active.. i haven't. that makes it difficult sometimes for me. i'm just a goober i guess. like last night.. i actually said that i'd lose my virginity to him... i was insane.. i didn't mean it. i told him that.. he told me that i shouldn't say things that i didn't mean .... he said he wasn't mad.. but i could tell he was dissappointed.
>> he really really really likes me... i mean he really really does... i like him.. i do... talking to him is nice, but like he just likes me likes me.. haha now i'm gettin into the "hey arnold" vocabulary. he actually said "i love you" ... now when i guy says that.. it means one of two things.. he really means it.. or he just wants to know what it's like to be in my pants.. i've been there.. i know guys say things. he told me he was being for real. i wanna believe that he was.. but in a way i don't.....
i'm stuck .. i don't know what to do, because i do like him.. but part of me just doesn't think that anything could ever work out between us.
on another note. i didn't go to church today. i'm getting so angry with my mom. she said i could use the car yesterday... then this morning .. she says i can't because she needs to go grocery shopping. if i was gonna ride the van i should've called yesterday. so i just said "okay" and went up to my room. what else can i do?
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sunday. i love sundays. the house of the lord is so uplifting to me. i woke up at brittany's this morning at 6:30am. then i just headed home. i got home around 7:15 and started to get ready for church!! i teach sunday school so i have to be there at ten. well my shirt wasn't done drying. so i decided i'd sleep til it was done. well silly me. i fell asleep and i woke up at 9:45. it takes 10 min to get to church. so i did it. i got ready in 5 min. can you believe it? neither can i. it was amazing.
my sunday school lesson was so great. i teach 4-6year olds and i have about 7 in my class. we had class outside. i laid out a blue blanket and it was supposed to be the lake. then i set up chairs on the lake and that was the boat. and we were riding in the boat. then all of a sudden it started to storm and Jesus was on our boat. and you wouldn't believe what he was doin. Jesus was sleepin through our storm. we couldn't believe it. so we had to wake him up. and you know what Jesus said, he said "peace be still" and the storm just stopped. lol. it was so fun. learnin the Bible story while we were actin it out. we marched to our scripture verse.. it was just so fun.
the service today was great. it was just about the hallelujah praise. just how we have to praise him even when things aren't good. it was real cool.
night service was youth service, and it was grrrreatness. i had to be on the praise team, and i wasn't used to that, but you know. i did good. it was for Jesus, so even nerves couldn't stop me. we had a guest preacher and he blew it up. he was talkin about how we have to get intimate with God. we need to be so close to him. it was greatness.
after service i talked to pastor and he said he wants me to get started in house visits. (evangelism.. ya know prayer and such.) i was so excited when he said that. I love JESUS!! I LOVE HIM!!!
visit verbs site here: www.verbs7.com ------> he's grrrrrreat (and you know i do mean tony the tiger great)
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saturday i woke up and got dressed to go to flag rehearsal. it was fun. shayla joined. she's 13. she's saved. she's great. i love that girl. she has such an awesome personality to use for Jesus. YES. on first sunday, we're going to welcome the spirit with "my life, my love, my all" it's such a pretty song. I love it. i know i'm gonna feel the spirit the first word. Jesus deserves it all and then some.
after rehearsal i went home and got dressed in my new skirt. (it comes right below my knee and its dark blue jean. it's really cute. i love it.) and my new shirt (it's orange, and it has the bear from the muppets on it saying "wocka wocka") after that i took my sister kelly to work so i could keep the car, and then i went to brittany's. her mommy blessed me with some of her amazing peanut butter pie. it was beautiful. her mom is the BEST cook ever. and i mean dang. then me and brittany were on the road.
we went to cleveland. at first our intentions were just to go to tower city and do some shopping. once we were there. we called mike. we told him we'd come pick him up or whatever. all grudges have dropped. i like mike again. i mean if my girl likes him i ain't gonna hate.
we got to his house around 6ish, and this cat was in shorts and sox. he does have a nice tummy tho. we had to wait like a half hour til this cat got dressed. ugh. i was hoping his dude angelo was there. just so i'd have someone to kick it wit, but he wasn't. oh well. it was cool.
so we drive to the park .. and walk around and mike is like "i look like a bum." and brittany's like "naw.. you don't at all." and i'm like "yes he does". it was kinda funny. so anyway we went to the mall with mike after he went home and changed into some not scrubby clothes. (he was in joggin pants and a t-shirt b4.) he was so sweet. he opened doors for brittany and ME even tho i'm just his chicks friend. that was so sweet. for real. we took him home around 9:30 or so.
on the way home to brittany's house (my original plan was to drop her off) i got pulled over. at first i was so scared cause i was goin the speed limit. i had my seat belt on. i was doin everything right. then a sigh of relief came when he told me that my lisence plate light was out. anyway. i don't trust cops and i didn't wanna get pulled over again so i just stayed at brittany's. (she lives like 45 min away from me .. complete hick town.)
we stayed up talkin for a little bit, then i was out. lol. when i'm tired i'm tired. haha.
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Thursday, July 24th, 2003
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wow. lots has happened. a whole lot. first off, i'm not having sex with block. my purity is to precious to lose. i'm gonna wait until marriage. it's gonna be great when i do lose my virginity because i know for sure it will be special. i can't believe i even thought for a moment that i should just give it away now. *hits self in the head* Jesus has brought me too far, and I love him too much to just walk outside of his light. I LOVE JESUS!
last wednesday block came over to my house. at first we were kinda talkin. then he had his hands all over me. i just didn't feel compfortable because i knew that this isn't my house to be bring a dude in. well my gramma came home early and saw me. she wasn't even all that upset, but I was upset at myself. that's when i knew things just had to change. i've been being a witness to my family for so long, and praying for their salvation, and then i let my guard down. once that happened i know that some of the respect and such that I was gaining was lost.
i called walt and just cried to him. i'm so happy that i have people their for me like that. i just hope that i'm as much of a sister to him that he is a brother to me. he made me feel better, but he also was bold enough to tell me that i need to get back where i was with Jesus. i love walt, he keeps it strait with me no matter what it takes.
that friday i went to zanesville with quitta, lenae, shayla, brittany, and teeny. we went to go to the last service of the PAW church camp. on the way down there i just slept. it was only a two hour drive, but i was sleepy. lol. we first went to the camp site to see who all was there, and then we went to the hotel and met up with quitta's cousins. after that we met up with the boys (will, joe, jon, justin, eddy, micah, terrance, marteece, and ryan.) we all chilled for a little while before service. when we got to the service, it started okay. at first i was feelin what the preacher was sayin... but after a while I couldn't get into everything, because he was jumpin all over. the Lord did move though. at the end of service, during the altar call... I just started crying. I felt God's presence so strong. quitta came over to me and just started praying over me. i just started speaking with Jesus. I'm so glad that he loves me. i was just blessed that night. i was trying to run from my calling (evangelism) and i don't even know why. i know that God's gonna train me in everything i need. i just gotta pray, fast, and wait on the Lord.
that night after service (which was like 2am) we all went to Denny's and i was just so happy. i felt so good about Jesus. he's just so awesome. so i just was glowing. everything someone said to me, my responce was "Jesus loves me" and i just started testifing on all that God did that night. well an elder from my city was there, and he was like "is she for real?" and everyone was just like "if you only knew her testimony." .. so he looks at me and says "i can see your blessing, let me get apart of your blessing, can i pay for your check?" he paid for my food. God was just amazing. i was so happy. JESUS LOVES ME
that sunday before church i was talkin to pastor .. and i was like "i'm BACK" .. and he was like "you're back?" so i said it again "i'm back!!" .. and he says "you're back?" ... and he was like "i'm happy." so that church service he preached on "back on track." it was great. JESUS LOVES ME if you only knew how much he loves me then you'd be this happy too~! yaya jesus~!!!!
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things are kinda different. i'm feelin block so much, that i've even made an apointment to get birth control.... okay.. am i crazy? may be I am.. but it's like I don't even care... I told brittany and tyesha what my plans were. they flipped on me. they told me i wasn't the same michelle, that I'm brainwashed, and basically if I keep up this behavior I'm gonna burn in hell. it kinda got me a little angry at first.. but i decided i'm just gonna let it pass. i'm sure they'll realize that our friendship means more than this situation. i just hope they recognize that soon.
today was my grad party. it was fun. lots of people showed up which was cool. a lot of my church friends were there. my aunt jo .. who's like 70 .. and can't here.. always wants to hear me sing.. so my minister suggested that we sing for her.. so our whole choir got up in the middle of my grad party and sang.. we sang "he's alive" .. and wow .. lemme tell ya we blew it up~! like for real tho. it was amazing.
when everyone was leavin, I told meghan and brenna they could stay (they're antonio's kids.. 4 and 5). when i was walkin them down the trails at the park we were at. I just realized even more how much my real dream is to have a big family. i want lots of kids. i don't know why but there's just something in me that wants all of that. i wanna be a mommy. may be i'm crazy, but I was so feeling that today. I can't wait til God provides me with a husband and a family.
over all it was a good day. i'm kinda sleepy now so i'm gonna go lay down and I'll prolly be out in a minute.
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sue's been askin me to buy her a dashboard confessional ticket, and take her. so me being the loving sister... I decided I would. so yeah, i'm going to see dashboard. i honestly only know a few songs that my sister over plays. As far as I know they just play depressing music. i mean i think every single song is about something sad.. or pissy. i'm gonna make it so I have fun though. concerts are always fun for me. always.
yesterday was kinda different. I went to the library and got fahrenheit 451 by ray bradbury. i never read the book, and it's a classic, so I thought I should. it's actually pretty good so far. I think my goal is gonna be to read more. I used to read all the time, but I guess I just got busy and lazy. I wanna get back into that. Especially fiction, I haven't read a good fiction novel in a while. if anyone knows any good books .. feel free to comment and let me know.
I also went tanning yesterday. you can't tell yet, but ya know that's cause I haven't really gotten much color yet this summer. after i went tanning i was gonna go to church, but I don't know why.. I just kept driving. I drove until my gas tank was almost empty (then i went to the gas station and put a dollar something in change in.. so i could get home.) I just didn't feel like doing anything. I kinda wanted to be alone, and I figured the best way to do that was just to drive. And so I drove. I thought about so many things. I'm ready to grow up. I need to get out. It's just so hard when the mothers at church still call me "little girl." And when gramma still wants to be a part of every aspect of my life. rawr. i hate these kind of thoughts. you know the thoughts that you have when you don't know exactly where you stand or who exactly you are. i used to be so confident in myself. now i wanna lose weight, change my look. i was happy about everything i was, everything i am. i talked to dr. v at church and she said that.. she knew i was changing. she said it all started when i cut my hair all off. she said when people cut their hair, it's like declaring independence. we talked a lot last sunday, prolly 3 hours I was in her office. she told me she'd pray for me. I mean I can use all I can get. We also talked about women in the ministry. I know that's what God's calling me to do... even dr. v knew it. I told her about my fears. Many women with high roles in the ministry don't have families. And I want one. I want a large family... I want a husband. She told me to talk to God about it... because He'll give us the all the desires of our heart that won't interfer with His will.
well I've been thinking too much. i'm gonna go finish my book, so I can get started on another one =)
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Thursday, July 10th, 2003
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When clouds above you / Start to pour / And all of your doubts / Rage like a storm / And you don't know / Who you are anymore / Let me Help you find / What you've been searchin' for / Somewhere / Somewhere there's a field and a river / Somewhere / You can let your soul run free / Someday / Someday let me be the keeper / Let me bring you peace / Somewhere / Somewher there's a break in the weather / Somewhere / Where your heart and spirit go free / Someday / Someday it'll be for the better / Let this bring you peace / Girl, I know you / Think no one sees / Weight on your shoulders / But you can't fool me / And aren't you tired / Of standin so tall / Let me be the one / To catch you when you fall / Somewhere / Somewhere there's a field and a river / Somewhere / You can let your soul run free / Someday / Someday let me be the keeper / Let me bring you peace / Somewhere / Somewher there's a break in the weather / Somewhere / Where your heart and spirit go free / Someday / Someday it'll be for the better / Let this bring you peace / Let me bring you joy (bring you joy) / Let me bring you peace (bring you peace) / Take these tears that you've cried (tears) / Entrust them to me / Let me give you heart (give you heart) / Let me give you hope (give you hope) / Be the one constant love / That you've never known / Somewhere / Somewhere there's a field and a river / Somewhere / You can let your soul run free / Someday / Someday let me be the keeper / Let me bring you peace / Somewhere / Somewher there's a break in the weather / Somewhere / Where your heart and spirit go free / Someday / Someday it'll be for the better / Let this bring you peace
okay. may be i'm just a big dork, but I want someone... who can feel me like this song. they know when i have too much on my shoulders.. and they know that they can't really be there to help me with it.. but they can be there to catch me when I fall. I'm so sick of pretending to be so "good" or "wonderful" all the time.. when to be honest... I feel like crap sometimes... I feel like running completely away from life sometimes. and ya know sometimes I wish people could see that. I guess it's kinda my fault, because I really wanna see people happy, that for others to be happy, sometimes I just smile... even when I have nothing to smile about. I guess it's just all building up inside of me. I know it'll all go away. I just need a couple down days I guess.
yesterday was kinda poopy. i don't know... i mean.. jackie didn't have a ride to walmart.. so she calls me.... and i'm like sure .. cause i need someone to go tanning with me... because i hate going alone.. and i need to go because i haven't gone yet this summer.. and i'm white as whatever.. so i go pick up her.. and when i get there there's like 4 other people at her house ...so i'm like whatever that's fine ..so we go.. and first everyone gets in this pissy mood... and jackie's like "michelle do you really have to go tanning tonight".. and i was just like "no"... and well so i go back to her house ...and she's like stay michelle ...and i'm like okay.. so i stay.. and she knows i don't drink no more... and so .. yeah they start drinking.. and i'm all just like okay... only me and jeannie wasn't .. well that pissed me off even more ...so i'm like .. im out ...then i come home and my sister is in a pissy mood.. for God knows what reason.. and she decides that she wants to get on me right when i walk in the door. so we fought.... a lot... and i hate physically fighting with my sister.. but when she gets her tempers she comes right at you... and so .. we fought... until i had a couple bruises .. and she had a little blood. then we woke gramma up.. and she was pissed... so i heard from her. over all it was just kinda a yucky night.
then tonight. i was gonna have block come over or whatever... and my sisters were gonna bounce.. well since me and kelly fought yesterday. that's just not gonna happen. i don't know.. may be me and block was just never meant to happen. somethin always seems to come up. i mean like last week I was home alone all week.. and he was workin late nights all week.. so it didn't happen. and like yesterday mornin / afternoon.. I was home alone.. he was workin... and i don't know.. like tonight coulda happened but then all that junk with my sister happened. i don't know.. i just know that i like him. like last night while i was takin jackie to walmart .. he called.. and he was at a lake or somethin... and he was tellin me how beautiful the lake was. and it let me know like how much we really have in common. i mean.. when i have awful days... i love to just go somewhere and chill and just look at how awesome nature is... then he said somethin like "i just walked out on the balcony and this sh*t is awesome"... and i honestly thought about when I was in virginia.. and I missed bein in the city so much... but then i would just walk out on our balcony of the dorms.. and sit and look at the lake and think...and I didn't miss the city no more.... i just think me and block have so much in common but it's just all on different levels... i don't know.. may be i'm crazy liking this cat... cause will anything happen? i hope so.. but i guess i'll just have to wait and find out
i need to go do something.. keep my mind on something... Jesus <3's me ;) at least I know that much!
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Wednesday, July 9th, 2003
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content.
blank.
grateful.
geeky.
annoyed.
disappointed.
bouncy.
excited.
anxious.
contemplative.
drained.
